Perfectly Normal Harry Potter Fic
by Alias III
Summary: Just another run-of-the-mill HP fic. Sirius is free, Ron's the Quidditch team captain, Hermione is devestatingly beautiful, Mary-Sue is Harry's sister, and they have to get the One Ring to defeat Voldemort.
1. Chapter 1

"Ok, so let me get this straight," Harry said, leaning back in his seat and propping his feet up on his trunk. "Hermione, you were in love with Krum."  
  
She nodded. "Right."  
  
"But then you fell in love with me, hence the kiss."  
  
She nodded.  
  
"But you got over me and became devastatingly beautiful."  
  
"You got it," she winked one long-lashed eye.  
  
"Uh-huh. Then you realized your true feelings for Ron."  
  
"Well, after he got all brawny and muscular, how could I resist?"  
  
"Did I mention I'm the new Quidditch team captain for Gryffindor?" Ron asked casually.  
  
"Only twelve times this morning," Harry answered.  
  
"Ah, well, just making sure you got the point that I'm the Gryffindor team captain."  
  
"And I'm a Prefect!" Hermione giggled, holding a manicured hand to her mouth.  
  
"Yeah, I caught that. So while you two were out losing all traces of your personalities, I gained several, so I think we should be even."  
  
"Actually, Dr. Eye Q. Uvmayonase said that a group consisting of numerous personalities stacked into one personage while the remaining members become little more than cardboard cut-outs leads to very serious problems, including plot inconsistencies and just plain stupidity," Hermione said in one of her random lapses of pointless intelligence.  
  
"I'm the captain of the Quidditch team," Ron added smartly. Despite his sudden muscular physique, he still looked like a complete slob no matter what he did.  
  
"Cool. Did you read today's Daily Prophet?" Harry asked Hermione.  
  
"Oh, no," she giggled. "I conveniently left reading it for now so that we could all see the plot-developing bit of news at the same moment."  
  
"Great."  
  
Hermione turned and rummaged through her purse and pulled out the paper. She opened it and gasped theatrically.  
  
"Oh! Look at this!"  
  
She held up the paper so Harry and Ron could read the massive headline. "SIRIUS BLACK CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES EVEN THOUGH NO ONE COULD THINK OF ANY GOOD REASON FOR IT"  
  
"Sirius's name is cleared? He didn't tell me!" Harry said. "I hate him! He never tells me anything! I hate him!!!"  
  
Ron and Hermione looked confused. "Uh, Harry, I thought you really liked Sirius."  
  
Harry shook his head and blinked. "Huh? Oh, sorry, that's just one of my new personalities. It comes out whenever Sirius's motives aren't explained to me in baby-talk so that I may comprehend them with out the aid of things like my own brain."  
  
"Oh," said Ron. "Well, Sirius and me have something in common. I'm the Quidditch team captain even though no one could think of any good reason for it."  
  
"Nice. Oh, look, here we are at Hogwarts already."  
  
"Wow, that was short," Hermione said.  
  
"Yeah, the witch with the teacart didn't even come by," said Ron.  
  
Harry and Hermione stared at him.  
  
He shrugged. "What? Quidditch team captains have to eat, too, y'know."  
  
Satisfied, the three students left the train. There were other students and stuff, but no one really wants anything resembling real description, do they?  
  
"Harry!" said a familiar voice and Harry looked up, astonished to see Sirius standing on the Platform. His hair had been cut, he was clean shaven, and he looked to have been eating will. But he still wore the same gray, Azkaban-issue robes he had been for God only knew how long. He stank very badly.  
  
"Uh, hi, Sirius. What're you doing here?"  
  
"I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Sirius answered brightly.  
  
"Um.I heard say this year's Defense teacher was supposed to be a woman," Harry answered.  
  
Sirius looked suddenly uncomfortable. "Yeah, well, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Harry.."  
  
"I've lost Trevor!" Neville wailed because he never said much else.  
  
"I blew something up again!" replied Seamus because he never said much else, either.  
  
Sirius's remark was lost in the evident chaos. There was much chaos. I'm still not gonna' actually describe it.  
  
They went up to the castle, and into the Great Hall. There was a magic roof and a Sorting Hat and some other stuff like that.  
  
"Hey, Sirius, shouldn't you be sitting up at the staff table?" Harry asked delicately, finding his appetite much diminished after long exposure to the stink of Sirius's robes.  
  
"Maybe next time. I wanted to get to know you better, Harry. You know, guy talk and all that."  
  
"Uh-huh." Harry promptly stuffed his mouth with bread to prevent any chances of "guy talk."  
  
"Excuse me," said a soft voice, "but is this seat taken?"  
  
Harry turned to find the most devastatingly beautiful girl he'd ever seen looking right at him. As he stared at her blond curls and deep blue eyes, his macho asshole personality took over.  
  
"No," he tried to say, and much half-chewed bread fell from his mouth. He shoved Ron aside to make extra room for the girl who giggled and sat down. "I'm Mary-Sue. I'm the random American on which this entire non-existent plot rests."  
  
Harry tried to swallow and point out the fact that he was Harry Potter, the most famous fifteen-year-old wizard in the world, but Ron spoke first.  
  
"I'm the Gryffindor Quidditch team captain."  
  
Mary-Sue giggled.  
  
Extreme anger welled up in Harry at Ron's obvious attempt to steal his girl before he could make her his girl. Harry leapt to his feet, pulled Ron from the bench, and thrust his fist into his best friend's face with all his might in order to display his obvious superiority. They fell to the floor, punching and kicking and cursing each other in the way that best friends do.  
  
McGonagall arrived to pull them apart and marched them down to her office where they were given detentions and stuff. Harry and Ron vowed never to speak to each other again.  
  
As Harry got into bed, though, his overly emotional little boy personality took over and he cried because of what he had done and the fact that he had lost his best friend.  
  
***  
  
They were in potions. Ron had no notes, and Neville had melted three cauldrons in five minutes. Hermione knew everything, and Snape skulked about glaring evilly at everyone except Malfoy and Mary-Sue.  
  
"I hate you all," Snape said.  
  
"We hate you, too," everyone chorused.  
  
Snaped glared his satisfaction at this reply and yelled at someone for being left handed. "Don't you just love potions?" Mary-Sue whispered to Harry.  
  
"Uh.sure."  
  
"Silence, Potter!" Snape bellowed.  
  
"I just love potions," Mary-Sue continued. "See, I know all of this stuff already because I'm perfect. I've told you I'm perfect, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Five points from Gryffindor, Potter!"  
  
"Well, it's not easy being perfect, you know. But anyway, I have to give you my pointlessly long and stupid background. I grew up in America. No particular place in America, mind you, just America. I got a letter from Dumbledore this summer asking me to come so I could save the world because I'm actually the embodiment of all four houses and I'm going to help you defeat Voldemort or something like that. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention." Harry nodded.  
  
"Ten points from Gryffindor, Potter!"  
  
Class ended. Harry tried to leave, but Snape asked him to stay. "Harry, I ask you to stay."  
  
Harry approached Snape's desk while the rest of the class filed out.  
  
"I saw the scar on your arm," Snape said.  
  
"Oh, that's from Wormtail--"  
  
"Don't try to make excuses, Harry. I know what's going on."  
  
"Going on?"  
  
"You see, Harry, I used to cut myself, too, when I was young."  
  
Harry nodded slowly. "That's great, Professor, but--"  
  
"And I'm not surprised to see you doing the same."  
  
"Really, Professor, I don't--"  
  
"Don't try to deny it, Harry. I expect you're also having erotic dreams about other men."  
  
Harry backed away a step. "No, Professor, I very certainly am not--"  
  
"It's all right, Harry. I used to have those same sorts of dreams about your father."  
  
Harry glanced at the door, figuring how quickly he could get through it and up the steps.  
  
"That was before I started the heroine and the drinking, of course," Snape went on. "I understand, Harry, I really do. I've been through much the same thing."  
  
"I really didn't need to know about any of that."  
  
"You see, Harry, I know I'm hard on you sometimes, but it's only because I need a hug once in a while." Snape stood.  
  
Harry backed further away, but not quickly enough. Snape pulled him into a tight embrace.  
  
"I had a son once, you know," Snape said. "I never thought I'd actually be able to sleep with a woman, but there was one, a very long time ago, and we had a son together. He died at some point or another, I can't quite remember, but I think if he had lived, he would be something like you."  
  
Harry tried to pull away, praying no one would walk in just then.  
  
"Professor--?"  
  
Snape let go, a tear in one eye. "Go on with your little friends, Harry. Just remember that, if you need anyone to talk to, I'm always skulking about nearby."  
  
Thoroughly discomforted by that idea, Harry left the class and then ran all the way up to Gryffindor Tower, trembling as he pulled off his robes, donned a clean set, and threw the others into the fire in the common room. He used the poker to make sure they burned completely.  
  
"Hey, Harry," Sirius said.  
  
Harry turned. "What're you doing up here? Don't you have a class?"  
  
"Not right now. Just thought I'd come up to say hello."  
  
"And the Fat Lady let you in?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "We made our peace. So, what's up?"  
  
"Could you accidentally kill Snape sometime tonight?"  
  
Sirius frowned, thinking. "Tempting. But Dumbledore asked that there be no aggression between us."  
  
"There wouldn't be any if he were dead."  
  
Sirius nodded slowly. "That is very true. But Dumbledore rather likes the git."  
  
"Please? Just turn into a dog and chew his throat out or something, clean and simple."  
  
"I'll have to think about it. Though, I must admit, the idea has occurred to me a number of times before."  
  
Just then, Ron, Hermione, and Mary-Sue came in.  
  
"We have a plot to move forward," Mary-Sue informed them.  
  
"There's a plot?" Sirius and Harry asked at the some time.  
  
"Well, there will be soon."  
  
And so everyone sat, waiting for the plot I haven't yet come up with, but have no doubt it will be very lame and annoying like most others. 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I meant to have an Author's Note at the start of the first chapter, but forgot. Oh well. Now I'm too lazy to go back and change it. Um.thanks for the reviews. Here is the "more" that was demanded. I intend to hit every aspect of fics that I can remember annoying me. If you're offended by any of it, um, I guess I'll be sorry, or at least a little apologetic, or something. Also, I don't know when I'll update next.chap. 3 is only ½ finished. I add to the fic when I'm feeling particularly sarcastic, or have just become fed up w/ something that really bugs me.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Pan back to the common room with dramatic music. Still, nothing is happening. The five are sitting around staring at each other.  
  
And then a black cat leapt into the middle of everything.  
  
"Hello," it said. "I'm Sailor Moon's cat. I'm here with Mary-Sue. We're going to help you travel to Middle Earth in order to get the One Ring, which will aid in the destruction of Lord Voldemort."  
  
"That's stupid."  
  
Everyone turned in surprise to see Draco Malfoy crawling into the common room.  
  
"What're you doing in here?" Harry asked.  
  
Malfoy shrugged. "The Fat Lady's drunk off her ass. She'll let anyone in if they ask nicely enough. How do you think he got in here?" he asked, nodding toward Sirius.  
  
"Yes, but why are you here?"  
  
"Oh, that, well, being horridly evil has become a bit dull, so I thought I'd try being a nice guy for a while. This, of course, involves going completely against my father and everything I've been brought up to know. Oh yeah, and I still have to point out that you're dirt poor, Weasley."  
  
With a wordless shout, Ron launched at Malfoy, fists flailing. He was pulled back and made to sit in time out.  
  
Draco looked at Hermione. "You're a Mudblood."  
  
Hermione slapped him, then ran off to her dorm in tears.  
  
Draco looked at Harry, but as he opened his mouth, Sirius stood. "Don't even think about it."  
  
"But I was just going to point out that he's a whiny little kid. I haven't yet had that chance, due to severe oversights by the author." (A/N: Everyone glare at the author!)  
  
"Oh, well, if that's all you're going to say, then go ahead." Sirius sat back down.  
  
"Hey!" said Harry.  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Well, you are a bit whiny sometimes."  
  
"I am not!" Harry whined.  
  
No one said anything for a while.  
  
"Well, let's go down to dinner," Mary-Sue said, standing up and looking perfect.  
  
"What about the One Ring?" Malfoy asked. "And should I just not mention the massive plot oversights involved in using the Ring, from Middle Earth, no less, in defeating Voldemort when no mortal man--or immortal, except Sauron- -can wield it without being driven utterly insane?"  
  
"No, you really shouldn't," Mary-Sue answered. "We're working on the belief that the reader is a complete moron who hasn't seen the Harry Potter movies- -"  
  
"I have movies???"  
  
No one answered Harry's stupid question.  
  
"Or read his books--"  
  
"I have books?"  
  
Mary-Sue slapped him and told him to shut up. "Or has seen or read anything Lord of the Rings or even knows what Sailor Moon is. That way the moronic reader in question thinks this is all perfectly normal."  
  
"Can I point out the gaping holes in that logic?" Malfoy asked.  
  
"No," everyone chorused--even Ron and Hermione, who had returned to the group.  
  
"Well, let's go. We can't sneak out of the castle until nightfall, anyway, to make the danger of getting caught more pronounced and annoying."  
  
They all followed Mary-Sue to the Great Hall, but took a convenient wrong turn and walked into a classroom. What they saw caused much screaming and the uncontrollable urge to throw up.  
  
Snape and Lupin looked up from their intense snogging, horror mirrored on their faces.  
  
"Remus!" Sirius said, sounding hurt, and yet managing to also convey his extreme disgust.  
  
"Sirius!" Remus answered.  
  
"You!" snarled Snape.  
  
"I told you to stay away from my Moony!" Sirius shouted.  
  
"Are you going to make me?" Snape asked coldly.  
  
Sirius marched over and slapped Snape. Snape slapped him back. After several tense seconds of glaring at each other, they grabbed each other and kissed passionately.  
  
"Oh, for God's sake," Lupin said. "That is just not right. Oh well."  
  
He grabbed Hermione around the waist and started to make out with her.  
  
"Hey, Potter," Malfoy said suggestively, raising his eyebrows.  
  
"No. I'm going down to the Great Hall. This is way too weird. And sick. And twisted."  
  
They left. They went to the Great Hall. Harry tried to eat, but was way too creeped out. Instead, he stared at his food and shuddered a lot.  
  
Malfoy, on the other hand, ate everything in sight, saying that the Slytherins got the leftovers and the burned stuff. He sat at the Gryffindor table because he felt like it.  
  
"Well, I'll see you all in a bit," Mary-Sue said, getting up.  
  
"Where're you going?" Harry asked.  
  
"Oh, I just have to do a bit more sleeping around the castle before we go and do anything. Don't worry, it won't take long."  
  
"Sleeping around the castle?" Harry asked faintly, then got an idea. "Hey, you think you and me could--"  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because I'm your sister!"  
  
"My sister?"  
  
"Yes, and tied into the whole big prophecy thing."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"C'mon, Draco, sweetie."  
  
Malfoy stood, grinning, and the two ran off. Harry looked at Ron.  
  
"Wow, she likes him and he's not even the captain of the Quidditch team."  
  
Harry felt decidedly ill.  
  
***  
  
"Well, now that we're all ready, we should be going," said Mary-Sue as they all stood in the entrance hall.  
  
"And, uh, how are we all supposed to sneak out?" Malfoy asked, looking at Harry, Ron, Hermione, Mary-Sue, Sirius, Lupin, Snape, and Sailor Moon's cat.  
  
"Why, under Harry's Invisibility Cloak, of course!" Mary-Sue answered. "Come on, don't be shy!"  
  
She pulled out Harry's Invisibility Cloak, much to his confusion, and made everyone pile in under it. Then, as one big eighteen-legged unit, they all started moving very, very slowly.  
  
"Can't we just walk out normally and have Professor Snape and Blacky here speak for us if Filch or someone asks why we're all out?" asked Malfoy. "They are teachers."  
  
"Sh!" answered everyone else.  
  
"You'll get us caught," Hermione whined. She did a lot of whining. All the time. When she wasn't spazzing out at someone for improper grammar or laughing too much, she was whining.  
  
They inched outside. It was midnight before they made it down to the lake. That's when they heard a woman's voice.  
  
"Oh, Melvin," she said, "Is that seaweed I smell? Oh, you know just what gets me going. Oh, you're so wet and slimy! I just love the way your tentacles shine in the moonlight."  
  
"Mum!" Ron shouted as he struggled out from under the cloak and ran down to the lake shore where Mrs. Weasley stood waist deep in the water, stroking the giant squid (A/N: All right, everyone, beat the absurdity of that pairing). She screamed at the sight of her son.  
  
"Ron! What are you doing here?"  
  
"I didn't tell you that I'm the captain of the Quidditch team!"  
  
"Um.oh," she said. "I thought maybe you were going to be mad at me for cheating on your father with Melvin." She gestured toward the giant squid.  
  
"Nothing gets me mad anymore. I'm the captain of the Quidditch team."  
  
"Oh. Okay."  
  
"Besides, Fred and George told be about the affair before I was the Quidditch team captain."  
  
"Oh. What are you doing out here, anyway?"  
  
Harry stepped out from under the Invisibility Cloak. "We're going to retrieve the One Ring so that we can use it to defeat Voldemort. Wanna' come?"  
  
"Well, I was going to spend the evening with Melvin.."  
  
The giant squid retracted its tentacles gracefully and pulled back a little, waving her to go on.  
  
"Oh, are you sure, Melvin?"  
  
Melvin nodded and then disappeared underwater.  
  
"Well, okay. Let's go."  
  
Harry, Ron, and Mrs. Weasley squeezed in under the Invisibility Cloak.  
  
They inched along for a while. Then a bunch of fireworks went off under their feet, and everyone shouted and ran every which way until they heard a great deal of laughter from the bushes.  
  
"It worked!" said George's voice. "Our fireworks triggered by twenty feet worked!"  
  
"We'll definitely have to add these to the list," said Fred.  
  
"Hey, you guys want to join us in defeating Voldemort?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Sounds like a good laugh. Let's go."  
  
And so the twenty-four legs started again under the eleven people hidden by the Invisibility Cloak. Suddenly, Mary-Sue stopped them.  
  
"All right, everyone, this is it. It's almost time to activate the Portkey." She pulled out a three-week-old ham sandwich. No one wanted to touch it, except Sirius, who seemed interested in eating it.  
  
"But if you had the portkey the whole time, why the hell did we have to go through all the stupidity with the Invisibility Cloak?" Malfoy demanded.  
  
Everyone yelled at him to shut up and crowded around to put a finger (or a paw) on the sandwich. All at once, they felt a tugging at their navels. And they appeared at their destination. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Well, here's chapter three. There's a bit of swearing in it, but I've been in a bit of a course mood of late. Um…that's it. You get off easy this time.

~Chap. 3~

"Wow." said Malfoy, There like fat house elfs." And indeed they was. they was small fat people. The was hobits. They was all in hobiton staining by a hil  with lots of green gross "We got too go this was" said mary-Sue.Evry1 followed Marysue dawn the rode for a long time. Malfoy comlained. "Why do I half to walk so much? I'm rich. I'm not supposed to wok a hole lot." (A/N: don't you just hate malfoy?????!!!!???!?!?!?!!!!!!????!!!!1111 *giggle)They walked a lot longer, until they was in Gondir Sirus said "Wow. That tower of ecthelan is big and shiny" Then they met frodo and Sma and took the Rung from them and all went back to Howorts and used it to defeat Saron.

(real A/N: Okay, I couldn't make that last part any longer without completely going insane. Still, I thought this fic needed a little grammatically challenged writing in it. Now, on to the actual continuation of this painfully horrible little fic)

They appeared in Hobbiton. Yup, you guessed it, no description. Well, actually, it was dark and depressing and not green at all. 

"Wow," said Malfoy, "it's dark and depressing and not green at all."

This time, no one told him to shut up, as they felt this was the most intelligent comment he had made all evening.

Just then, the Hobbithole to their left opened up, and a tall man with a long, white beard came out.

"I am Saruman!" he announced so that they could more easily identify him. "But you may call me Sharky. Come, Wormtongue, kill these cretins who seek the One Ring." Yes, of course he knew why a bunch of weird-looking people were there.

"Whoa, wait, by this point in the trilogy, hasn't the Ring already been--"

Malfoy was cut off as Sirius and Remus shouted, "Wormtail!"

And, indeed, Wormtail came out of the Hobbithole, screamed, and ran back inside.

"Fool!" roared Saruman-Sharky-the-no-longer-White-Wizard-dude. "I shall have to kill them myself!"

"No!" shouted most of the group, everyone frozen in terror as Saruman thought up the best way to kill so many people at once. As he finally decided, though, he suddenly went stiff and fell over. Everyone stared in shock as Malfoy pocketed his wand.

"C'mon, even you should have been able to think of that one, Potter."

A cry of anguish escaped the center of the crowd of Harry Potter universe people, and Snape dropped to his knees in tears. "We almost died! Curse my sickly pale and skinny body! I wasn't fast enough!"

No one moved for a moment, not quite sure how to react.

Malfoy shrugged. "Just leave him there. He'll be all right in a few minutes. So who's this Wormtongue guy?"

"Wormtail!" roared Sirius, rushing into the hobbithole and knocking himself unconscious on a doorframe.

Remus rushed in after him, this time being far more effective, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione followed. Mary-Sue, Mrs. Weasley, the twins, and Sailor Moon's cat sat down to wait. Malfoy shrugged, deciding the former party would be more entertaining, and rushed inside, too.

Inside of Bagend, they chased Peter into a corner.

"Now we can take you to the Ministry and prove Sirius's innocence!" said Harry, raising his wand.

"But Black's name has already--"

"SHUT UP, MALFOY!" everyone chorused, even the people outside.

So they captured Wormtail and stunned him and dragged him along with them on their way to Bree. At the rate they were moving, it would take them months to reach Frodo and Sam.

"All right, everyone, we're going to fly down. This is taking too long," said Mary-Sue. 

Everyone except Harry pulled out their brooms. Harry just looked around blankly. "I was supposed to bring my broom?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I buy you the best broom on the market, and you don't even have the brains to take it with you on an adventure to Middle Earth?"

"No one told me!"

"Well, Potter, just Summon the darned thing," said Malfoy, hovering on his Nimbus 2001. 

Harry did so, much to Malfoy's mild annoyance, but he didn't point out the problems with Summoning a broom through the fabric of time and space. It was just safer not to comment on the continued illogic of the entire situation.

He didn't even comment on the stupidity of continuing on to Bree when the Ring was far south of them, not east. They arrived on their brooms and walked into _The Prancing Pony._

Sirius ran off to get wasted, just like he always did. Sirius liked getting wasted. There was hardly a ten minute span since he'd been free that he wasn't completely drunk off his arse. After a few moments, the question, "It comes in pints?" rang through the tavern. Mary-Sue stood around for a full five minutes, tapping her foot. Then she said to everyone, "All right, this plot is moving way too slowly. Much longer, and we might get something like character development. Come on, everyone, back on your brooms. We're going to Gondor!"

Sirius might have argued, but he'd already passed out, so Remus dragged him outside, threw him into a conveniently placed horse trough, and waited for the ex-convict to wake up. When the only response Remus got was a few bubbles, he side and settled for kicking his best friend soundly in the ass.

"Get up, you sod," Remus said in a friend like manner as he pulled Sirius up by the hair and dropped him in the dirt.

A few minutes later, they were flying south. Sirius kept weaving dangerously as he sang bawdy songs and giggled uncontrollably. That night, many people looked into the sky and saw a flying contingent of what they could only assume was the most horrible of Sauron's evil, all rolled up into one vague and tone-deaf mass.

The next day, while still flying, Hermione pulled her broom up next to Sirius, who was much recovered, and asked a question that had been weighing on her mind for some years now.

"What ever happened to Buckbeak?"

Sirius looked confused. "What?"

"You know, Buckbeak. Did you fly him to Professor Lupin's after our fourth year? Is he there?"

After a moment of thought, Sirius's eyes widened. "Oh shit!" he shouted. No one paid much attention. "I _knew_ I'd forgotten something that night!"

"You don't mean you _left _him there, do you?" Hermione asked, horrified. 

"Yeah, he was tethered to a really big rock and had no hope of escape. Damn. Oh well."

"So wait, let me get this straight," said Malfoy because he had to be annoying and eavesdrop like that, "you left Buckbeak in a cave?"

"I think we've already covered that!" said Hermione, who was now in tears.

"Then how did you get to Lupin's?" Malfoy asked.

"I ran," Sirius answered. "Duh."

"You ran? You had a perfectly good Hippogriff that could _fly_, but instead of using him, you ran? You just completely forgot he even existed, left him there to die, and you _ran_?"

"Dude, you are really slow. What part of 'I ran' don't you understand?"

Malfoy just nodded and dropped back a little, reflecting on the many reasons he was glad to be a Slytherin.

"Be careful!" warned Mary-Sue suddenly. "We're coming up on Isengard! Do not listen, for the voice of Saruman the Wise will cast a spell on you."

"Saruman is still in a body-bind in Hobbiton," Malfoy answered. But, much to his annoyance, he looked down on Isengard and found no Ents. Everything was still intact.

"Why are we passing by Isengard, anyway? We could go through the Gap of Rohan, or over Caradhras, or anywhere _else_."

Mary-Sure glared at him. "Look, when _you're_ the embodiment of all four houses sent on a mission of grave peril to save the world from an evil overlord, then you can run the mission however you want. Until then, we do whatever I say, got it?"

"Unfortunately."

"Good."

"Bitch," Malfoy muttered.

"What'd you say?"

Malfoy considered making something up about having an itch, but decided no self-respecting Slytherin would back down like that. Not that he was terribly self-respecting after the extreme abuse his father had put him through, but he was at least annoyed.

"I said you're a bitch."

All at once, everyone stopped in midair and gasped. Mary-Sue let out a wordless screech before launching herself at Malfoy, beating him with her fists and pulling his hair. The two spiraled downward toward the conveniently placed and very sharp rocks below.

~~

A/N: 'Tis done. The Buckbeak thing has annoyed me for a long time. I've read two post GofF fics involving Sirius going to Remus's where Buckbeak was even mentioned, and one of them was mine. Well, it's just one pet peeve of many that I have, I guess.

la la la, random person—First, great name. Second, thanks. I'd like to claim that it took time to come up w/ the Molly/Melvin thing, but it actually came from a very strange conversation of which Mud was a part, though she may want to deny it. Anyway, I get many remarks when I note that it's my favorite ship. Oh, an ty about the talent remark.

Mud—As usual, you're clear as mud! Ha, bad pun, I know. But you can't say anything, or else I won't let you read sp. VI of Frumius! Ha! HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Er…right, then. Typolessness is good. Typorificness is amusing, though. It's also difficult to write! Mrs. Figg actually seemed sane by the time I'd finished that bit….

Enter The Red Age—I like to teach people not to ask for my reviews early on ^_~ That is, if you don't want a real, in-depth review, don't ask! Lol. I did actually read the next chapter of your fic, but I never reviewed it. You happened to catch me in a lapse between periods of lurking, actually. I soon returned to my usual habits of read-but-say-little. I might get back to it after school ends.

Also, the Ron as Quidditch team captain thing was the product of the fact that, in more fics, Ron is nothing but a Quidditch-obsessed jerk with bad hygiene and who never has anything intelligent to say. I intend to go through the whole fic w/o letting him say anything that doesn't have to do w/ his being team captain.

Harry Likes it Doggy Style—Er…interesting name. And another fan of the MW/MtGS ship! Maybe we should start a campaign. Who's with me?! Heh. Ty, though.

Everyone else—Ty for the reviews, and I'm glad you like it. Next up, attack of the A/N's! Ha, and you thought my regular chaps. were bad….


	4. Disclaimer

A/N: Oh! Thanks to the person who reminded me that I don't have a disclaimer! Wouldn't want anyone to mistake my marvelous and uncopyrighted story on fanfiction.net for something J.K. Rowling might write. Given my obvious attempt to sell this story under the guise of owning all of the characters, I can understand the extreme concern of the readers and of law enforcement people. So:  
  
Disclaimer: Dude, I'm a soon-to-be college kid in Arizona. I own nothing. 


	5. Author's Note

A/N: All right, everyone, it's time for a poll! Given the general plotlessness of this story, I can't decide what to have happen next! So vote for your favorite option!

Should I

A: Have them fight for a while before starting to make out

B: Pull some magical event out of my arse that really makes no sense and generally defies all laws of magic and character as put down in canon, as well as the laws of physics, logic, and common sense

C: Have both Draco and Mary-Sue dash out their brains against the sharp rocks

D: Have just Mary-Sue dash out her brains against the sharp rock and general die a horrible and bloody death while Draco just smirks


	6. Another Author's Note

A/N: Come on everybody! Don't be shy! I need your vote before I can make up my mind! Hurry now! 


	7. Ha, still not chap 4

A/N: Hm. . . nope, haven't gotten enough reviews yet, sorry. Can't post the new chapter yet. Well, actually, I need to *write* the next chapter in order to post it, and for that I need you to make up my mind for me and give me mass amounts of encouragement and kudos for my mediocre-at-best efforts. Gandalf the Sparkly White. . .PR whore. Random VSD references are good. But then, what do I know; I think rain is wet. Even more random and severely obscure Hitchhiker's Guide references are better. I'm just rambling 'cause no one's on AIM for me to talk to. See, now you can feel sorry for me and review. I should probably go now, before I embarrass myself further.  
  
[invisible ink] I wonder how long I can string them along. If people waited three years for the fifth book. . .hm. . . . [/ink]  
  
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P.S. Just to clarify and save what little pride I have, the review thing is just to be annoying. I don't like reading A/Ns that beg for reviews, and I wouldn't write one in anything other than a parody. The rambling. . .well, there really is no one to talk to on AIM right now, so you all (both of you, heh) get subjected to my rambling instead. I'm sorry. I should just shut up now and post this. Think I will. 


	8. 42

A/N: Whoo! Another author's note! Bet you didn't see that coming!  
  
Anyway, still don't have enough reviews. And while I like the way I-Love- Sevi thinks (even though the name scares the hell out of me ^_^ ), I've decided I can't continue the story until I have the correct number of reviews. And what is that mystical right number? Why, 42, of course! That *is*, after all, the Ultimate Answer. Here's the catch, though. I want mostly signed reviews and not all by the same person. So, if you actually want me to continue, you'll have to ask your friend come and review.or just sign on as your friends 'cause you know their passwords, anyway, and it's not like they'll *mind* you using their s/n's. If you send your friends over, tell them they don't even have to read the story. They just need to type something like:  
  
"Squee!!!! I *love* your story! It is the best HP fanfic I had *ever* read! You are God! I bow down to you! Let me worship you and your amazing writing skills!"  
  
or:  
  
"Dude, get over yourself and finish the damn fic. You are so pathetic."  
  
or:  
  
"I just loved the scene where Harry takes the sword and thrusts it up into the giant snake's head in that icky chamber place. Write more!"  
  
or:  
  
"Um.you wrote Aragorn really well. Yeah. And I liked the interaction between Buffy and Angel. Write more. I want to know what happens to Aunt May."  
  
What the hell, just tell them to take their last review and copy and paste it into a review of *my* story. Just tell them to make something up. I don't care. Just get me some reviews!!!! 


	9. Last AN for now

A/N: Damn. Now I actually have to write the fourth chapter. Well, it is started, but things have been exceedingly hectic. I just moved to college. Whoo! Anyway, I'll see what I can do about chap. 4. I'd hoped to have a few more days w/ the review thing, ha. Oh well.  
  
Mud~well, even if I didn't count all of yours, I'm still up to 42. Gr. Um, 3.5 points to you to show favoritism.  
  
Jobberknoll-five points for *not* coming in under a different name to agree with everything someone you don't know said.  
  
Penguin-Five points for the random and pointless Hitchhiker's Guide reference.  
  
Doilymaddy-7.8923475 points for pointing out my gross error in forgetting pointless song lyrics! It will be fixed!  
  
StarRuby-8.298034 points for having the courage to say what everyone's thinking.  
  
The Artema-9 ¾ points for the most random Friends reference I've ever seen and for actually making me laugh out loud. 


	10. Chapter 4!

A/N: Firstly, I apologize for the delay. I just started my freshman year of college. It's a lil' intimidating.  
  
Secondly, I apologize for this chapter. I had ideas for it a month or two ago, but I forgot them. I just made up stuff as I went along. Well, that's been the trend of most of this fic, but I usually have *some* semblance of a plan before I begin.  
  
Also, I must apologize profusely to Mud. While I gave her 3.5 pts. just 'cause she's my friend, I completely forgot about the other five pts. I'd intended to give her for the funniest review I've ever gotten.  
  
And so, Mud, for your long and constructively criticizing review of "I hate you," I award you five points, bringing you up to a total of 8.5.  
  
Anyway, the chapter isn't as long as I wanted it to be, but I wanted to get it posted. So, back by popular demand (you people are sick), here is the fic:  
  
~~Chap. 4~~  
  
Everyone watched Mary-Sue and Draco plummet to the sharp rocks below, still slapping and scratching each other. One of them let out a high-pitched shriek, but no one was sure who it was. Besides, everyone else was too busy taking bets.  
  
"Take her out, Draco!" Snape shouted. "A galleon says he wins!"  
  
"Five galleons says it's Mary-Sue!" replied Sirius. "Get him in the groin! The groin!"  
  
"Go Malfoy! Yeah! Rip her shirt! That's it! I'm the Quidditch team captain," cried Ron and his brothers, though the twins didn't add the last part.  
  
"That is so barbaric!" Hermione answered, glaring at Ron.  
  
"What? I am the Quidditch team captain!"  
  
"I'll Quidditch team captain you!" Hermione leapt at Ron, causing the two of them to start plummeting just like Draco and Mary-Sue. Halfway down, Hermione and Ron started making out intensely and everyone lost interest in the fight, focusing on the snog session. Therefore, no one noticed when both Mary-Sue and Draco hit the conveniently jagged rocks below with a very nasty squishing sound. At least, they didn't notice this until Remus shouted something about all of the blood and guts oozing all over the place down below. Then everyone's attention turned from Ron and Hermione, who had broken apart long enough to land before going after each other again, to the gory mess that was once Draco Malfoy and Mary-Sue Potter Malfoy Black Lupin Riddle.  
  
"That's a lot of blood," Harry noted, cocking his head as he looked at the mangled forms. Mary-Sue really didn't look half so pretty lying in a puddle of her own internal organs and fluids among sharp rocks, one of which had been driven directly through her stomach.  
  
They were both dead. The kind of dead that dead people are when they're dead. The no longer alive and moving sort of dead. Their bodies were no longer functioning. Revel in Mary-Sues death! Revel, I say! Yes, yes, Draco was killed, too, but it's a small sacrifice to watch Mary-Sue's clothes soak through with her own blood as she lies, DEAD! You see that? That's the gash on her neck. It was spurting blood out onto the ground before she ran out of blood to spurt. And you see that there? Those are her small intestines. Shall we take them out and see if they really are as long as the experts say? I'm sure they're just the *perfect* length for small intestines!  
  
Now finish reveling. You're running low on time. Quick, enjoy her gory end!  
  
Time's up!  
  
Because it was just at that moment that dead!Draco twitched. He then gave a great convulsion and sat up. Having wiped some of the gore from himself (he didn't bleed half so much as Mary-Sue), he glared at Mary-Sue's mangled and dead form, not even bothering to smirk at the sight of the brains lying dashed out upon the rocks.  
  
"Damn it. Do you know how expensive extra lives are? Expendable souls aren't easy to come by now that the Ministry made Soul Searching illegal. And you're still a bitch."  
  
Yes, of course everyone could hear this from up on their brooms. Even Ron and Hermione heard it over their love-making.  
  
Draco got up and used a few spells to clean himself off. He glanced at Ron and Hermione, then at the adults, none of whom seemed to notice their mating. With a shrug, he grabbed his broom, mounted, and kicked off.  
  
"So are we just waiting for those two to finish up, or should we leave them?"  
  
Everyone stared at him blankly for a moment. Then Mrs. Weasley let out a scream and went hurtling toward Ron and Hermione, shouting at them for all of Middle Earth to hear.  
  
After a lot of lecturing from Mrs. Weasley, everyone took one last, long look at the broken form that was once Mary-Sue before coming to the conclusion that their mission had failed. Without the live form of the mangled carcass below them, they had no direction in their daft attempt at getting the One Ring.  
  
Unfortunately, they were also trapped in Middle Earth. Without Mary-Sue's aura of unimaginable power, the tearing of time, space, and logic were nearly impossible to manage all at once and so completely.  
  
Dejectedly, the group flew on to Gondor. Of course they would go to Gondor. Why wouldn't they go to a city they've never been to? Return to Bree? Where's the logic in that?  
  
"You know, the plot device is pretty obvious here," Draco said. When everyone looked oddly at him, he shrugged. "I just said that so the author wouldn't have to make use of an author's note. She's been talking through me nearly the entire time, anyway. Why bother with subtlety?"  
  
With much muttering, everyone ignored mentallyunstable!Draco and continued on to Gondor. No one noticed them. After all, hordes of people regularly flew on brooms over the country side of Middle Earth. Can't you just taste the sarcasm?  
  
So they got to Gondor. It's a White City. Big surprise: no real description.  
  
Because of Harry's glasses ("Plastic! Ooooo! Aaaaah!") the backwards Gondorites revered the group as gods. They dined with King Aragorn and his Queen, Arwen.  
  
"And yet we still want to get the One Ring," Draco announced with a roll of his eyes, as anyone who knows anything about Tolkien's books should be doing repeatedly.  
  
This announcement promptly got them all thrown into the dungeons. (A/N: I would have had Aragorn and Arwen and others actually have a part, but I didn't feel like distorting their chars quite yet. Look for it in the next chapter or two.)  
  
In the dark, icky dungeon, everyone ignored Draco's existence. After a while, Harry whimpered.  
  
Immediately, most of the party were at his side, cooing and coddling him.  
  
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.  
  
Harry shook his head to show it was nothing. He then proceeded to hug himself and rock back and forth.  
  
"Harry, please," pleaded Sirius, "you have to tell us what's wrong."  
  
"I'm f-fine!" Harry burst into great, heaving sobs.  
  
Sirius moved to hug him, and Harry screamed, throwing up his arms in defense. After a moment, though, he fell into Sirius's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
"I don't like the dark," he said between fits of crying. "It reminds me of the cupboard Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia locked me in all the time."  
  
"They what?" Sirius shouted in fury.  
  
"Uncle Vernon used to beat me and make me do work all day an night and not feed me for weeks at a time! They left me in the cupboard to lay in my own blood." Harry let loose a howl of despair, clinging to Sirius.  
  
"How can you survive for weeks at a time without eating?" Draco asked.  
  
Everyone glared at him, but he didn't care.  
  
"And how come you never bled to death?"  
  
"You heartless wretch!" cried Hermione.  
  
"Well duh," Draco answered, then pointed to himself. "Malfoy."  
  
Harry continued sobbing. "He broke all of my ribs and my legs and stabbed me and wouldn't let me go to the bathroom and made me work for hours and hours every day no matter what and threw me down the stairs and off of the roof and off of a bridge into a river and then set me on fire and hit me with a stick and gouged out my eyes and made me watch American soap operas for hours at a time!"  
  
Even Draco gasped in horror at this.  
  
"And I had to pretend everything was all right!" Harry continued wailing. "I couldn't tell my teachers or Mrs. Figg or Ron or Hermione or anyone!"  
  
"But, um, if he gouged out your eyes." Draco started.  
  
"They grew back magically, of course, you pureblood moron," Hermione answered.  
  
"That's some damn impressive magic," Draco said.  
  
"Shiznit," said Fred and George at once because 2002 American slang was very popular in mid 1990's England.  
  
"I'm going to kill the Dursleys!" Sirius proclaimed. "I'll show them what it's like to be thrown off a bridge and set on fire and made to watch American soap operas! No one does this to my godson and lives!"  
  
A round of cheers followed this, as everyone prepared to storm the doors of Number Four, Private Drive.  
  
"Privet Drive," said Draco. "It's amazing how much easier it is to spell a name when one actually reads it. And besides, there's the slight problem of being stuck in a dungeon."  
  
"I like being stuck in dungeons," Snape said.  
  
No one commented.  
  
Maybe that was because Snape was a dork. Or maybe it was because, just at that moment, a big stone in the dungeon wall moved, and a cloaked figure slipped in.  
  
"This way!" said a female voice. "The kings of Gondor built secret passages into their dungeons so that people who had no way of knowing about the tunnels would know about them and let prisoners escape!"  
  
Confidence bolstered by this complete lack of logic, the group followed the cloaked figure through a long, dark tunnel and into a dark, close forest.  
  
"Fangorn Forest!" said Sailor Moon's cat, who looked very happy at having a chance to speak and be acknowledged as existing. The dungeons of Gondor are cat proof, of course, which is why he couldn't just slip out and find some way to help them escape. Really.  
  
"Cough, plot device, cough, cough!" said Draco into his hand. He stopped caring that the tunnel had taken them nearly to Isengard in a matter of twenty or thirty minutes.  
  
"Your wands," said the cloaked person, distributing wands. After several minutes of swapping back and forth, everyone finally managed to get his or her proper wand.  
  
"Who are you?" Sirius demanded suddenly.  
  
The cloak was cast aside, and a bright, pure white light filled the forest, blinding everyone nearby. As it dimmed, though, and the spots receded, everyone gasped at the Elf standing before them. She was radiantly beautiful, looking so much like another girl they'd known. A girl they'd abandoned the twisted and gory remains of to maggots and carrion birds only the day before.  
  
"I am Mayrriessue, the Sparkly White."  
  
"PR whore," Draco muttered.  
  
A/N: Were a bizarre set of events take place and Cassandra Claire was ever notified of my quasi-use of her words, I would hope she understands I am only saluting the greatness that is "The Very Secret Diaries," (which I recently introduced a friend to, and so have just had to make myself read again) and that it was a very hard thing to avoid in a HP/LotR crossover spoof. I give her full credit, for Sam will kill me if I try anything. 


	11. Chapter 5

A/N: So I'm suffering insomnia and have nearly gone insane with end-of-the-semester work, so I thought I'd randomly write a really, really short chapter to a fic that hasn't been updated in two years. Maybe I'll even continue it. I have to figure out where I'm going, first. Or not. It's not like there needs to be any coherence here.

Um…points to anyone reading this who read and remembers this fic from ages and ages ago. :glances at the clock: I'm so not going to be coherent for classes tomorrow. And I'm meant to appear intelligent in meeting with a professor to discuss an independent study. That'll be interesting.

I'm sorry about the length, but this was totally impromptu. Good luck to everyone suffering finals, and everyone else just 'cause the Christmas season has started, and you have less than three weeks to buy something for everyone you've ever met in your entire life. Unless you don't go to school or celebrate Christmas, in which case, good luck just in life in general, as well as in any holidays you may be preparing to celebrate.

Chap. 5

Everyone stared in ah at Mayrriessue the Sparkly White. They would have stared in awe, but then the first sentence of the chapter would have been totally lame. Totally.

"I cometh to the with tidings of Goodwill," Mayrriessue the Sparkly White explained, smiling serenely. "But we are in danger here and must a way!"

The group a wayed. They a wayed for a very long time, through the dark forest that was dark and foresty. And then suddenly they burst forth into an amazing place that the reader doesn't get to see 'cause there's no description.

"I welcome the to Lothlorien, wary travelers," Mayrriessue the Sparkly White said.

Draco paused a moment to slam his head against a giant tree trunk.

"Rest now, and we will speak of your mission on the marrow."

With that, Mayrriessue the Sparkly White disappeared.

Everyone oohed and aahed.

After ten minutes of uniterrupted oohing and aahing, Draco rolled his eyes. "Isn't there anything to _do_ around this place?"

He got no reply, and so wandered off on his own. He eventually came to a pub. It was white and sparkly, but the elves inside were drinking and being unelflike with the ladies, so it was good enough. He went in and sat down. He realized that, if it weren't for his Hogwarts robes, he would have blended in really well. Maybe his veela grandmother was actually from around here.

Before he could think about that much, something caught his eye. Two somethings, each in eighteenth century gowns of a very low cut and wearing entirely too much make-up. He blinked at the younger, red-haired one.

"_Weasley_?" he demanded.

Ginny Weasley approached him, putting her suddenly ample bossom in his face. "Hey, honey. Interested in a good time?"

"WTF?"

"Or a double good time?" the other woman asked. She had obscenely pink hair.

"What in the name of Merlin's Toyota are you doing here?" Draco demanded.

"Well, this is a fanfic, isn't it?" Ginny asked.

Draco nodded.

"Well, then we're whores, obviously," the pink-haired one said.

"Er…."

"I'm Tonks, by the way, your first cousin, but we've never met."

"You're that filthy halfbreed Mum's talked about."

"That's right, sugar. I like it when you talk _dirty_."

Draco stood up. The view had been nice and all, but the racks of a Weasley and a first cousin didn't do much for him, except maybe turn his stomach a little.

"I'm gonna' go this way now. Please don't follow me."

So they followed him back to the others, who were still transfixed and tranquil.

As soon as Ginny saw Harry, she launched herself upon him, attempting to rape him. Tonks did the same thing to Remus. This was because they had no integrity or self-worth at all, as was evinced by the fact that they actively pursued men in canon. Sluts.

Draco rolled his eyes.


End file.
